Wednesday 23rd April - OA Journal

I ate my normal breakfast and then an Apple at 10 30. Then I went to the staffroom where one of my colleagues had brought in cakes as it was her birthday. I had a small piece of chocolate cake, which I enjoyed. The thought that I might in future have to abstain from such celebratory foods is one that I am very uncomfortable with. However, I have to admit that, even though other people were eating the cake in the same room at the same time, there was little sense of a shared experience.

At lunchtime I resolved not to eat any more of the cake, although I knew that there would still be some left. In fact there was even more as another colleagues had brought in brownies and shortbread to celebrate her wedding anniversary. After eating my lunch I indulged again.

Then it was staff meeting time after school and the heads husband had brought in hot cross buns. So I indulged again.

In each case I don't really know why I indulged. It wasn't secretive as I often am when bingeing at home. In fact it wasn't really bingeing in the sense that what I ate each time was not an unreasonable amount, nor was it bolted down. However, the amount that I ate over the course of the day was certainly self-destructive; especially considering the fact that I want to lose weight.

To cap it all I then bought and ate chocolate after my evening meal. Perhaps because I was already feeling ashamed of what I had eaten previously, as if it didn't make any difference what else I ate. And of course there was no-one else to see me eat at home. I wouldn't have eaten in front of anyone at home although that doesn't seem to bother me at work.

Monday 21st April - OA Journal

We woke up early at the youth hostel and went looking for breakfast. Nearby we found a rather posh looking cafe which turned out to do an extremely good cooked breakfast. One of the group, who was suffering the after effects of the night before, ordered eggs Benedict with spinach and only ate half of it. I was asked if I wanted to finish her meal. I really didn't need to but felt I was expected to.

When we got home, at lunchtime, I found some cold pizza in the fridge. After eating one and a half breakfasts I didn't really need to eat it although I did feel a bit peckish. I wonder if that was just because the clock said it was lunchtime. Probably because I knew this was compulsive eating I ate it secretly.

I ate couscous pizza with the rest of the family at dinner time.

Saturday 19th April OA Journal

I ate a normal breakfast before starting to work on sorting things out for a Pretty Grim dance out in the evening. Mid-morning I went for coffee at a friend's. Then back home for lunch.

As soon as I walked into the kitchen I saw some bread on the breadboard which one of the children had left. I started to cook some rice to go with left over chilli from the night before. While the rice was cooking I buttered the bread and ate it. I wasn't particularly hungry and could easily have waited for the rice to finish cooking before eating. I wasn't stressed or upset. I think I ate the bread just because it was there and there was no-one to see me eat it.

Later in the afternoon I was at another friend's. This time I was offered biscuits to go with my coffee. I ate three digestives and two pieces of shortbread simply because it was offered to me. In fact I felt that I was expected to eat them. After that I went home and ate dinner before going out to dance with PG. I had one beer while we were dancing. After I got home I felt hungry and ate a cereal bar. I couldn't decide whether this constituted compulsive eating.