New Year Plans

Following a big blowout yesterday I weighed in at 98 kilos this morning.  Maybe that will go higher before it goes lower as I have belated festive family gatherings tomorrow and the day after as well as loads of good stuff at home which didn't get eaten yesterday. 

Now compared to the 82 kilos which I weighed about two years ago it is rather depressing to think how much weight I have put on.  On the other hand I have to consider that for the vast majority of my adult life my weight fluctuated from 101 to 120 kilos.  Well I'm close to that range again now but I know that I can lose that weight. 

So I will have a run either tomorrow or the day after and then again in another two days.  On New Years Day I will download an application form for the Woodbridge 10k.  Having just looked at some options If I don't get into the Woodbridge race I'm thinking that I might do the Sudbury 5 as well.

Starting from the New Year I'm planning on running 3 times a week.  Not sure yet when those runs will be but I'll sort something out.  On the days I don't run I would like to do some other form of training too.

I will also be seeing a counsellor during January and February to try to sort out some other issues.

Maybe life does begin at 40!

Posting Again

It's been a long time since I posted.  There have been various reasons for this, both to do with work and personal issues.  I'm going to try again.  I want to keep track of some of the things I want to change in my life.  These include my weight and my running which are clearly connected.  Also my self confidence, my work and my family relationships.  Some of these posts may end up being kept in the parlour.  We shall see.

The Resurrectionist

This is the first book group book for some time that I might have chosen for myself.  Matthew said that he had picked it with a particular member in mind who likes a good horror story and this immediately provoked a discussion on horror stories, horror films.  Opinions were quite divided with some members of the group being quite convinced that they would struggle to read this book.

The blurb describes the book as being a gothic horror story.  Well it is certainly gothic in it's tone and in it's setting amongst the dissectionists and the body snatchers of early nineteenth century London.  However I wasn't at all sure how well it deserved the horror tag.  I certainly doubt that it will have caused any sleepless nights for even the most sqeamish of the book groups members.  There are very few scenes that depict violence of any kind and even these are described in terms that seem to minimise their impact.

That said, the story does raise some interesting questions.  The protaganist becomes drawn into a series of murders begging the question - 'Is he some kind of monster or could a reasonable person find themself in a similar situation?'  An episode from his younger life hints at a a sadistic and voyeuristic streak but personally I was left undecided on this issue.

* * *

The discussion at the book group didn't really go quite as I had expected. First of all a couple of the members weren't there.  One of them, who had often said she liked horror books, and for whom this one had been chosen, had left a note to say that she had quite liked it until it got to describing the murders which she found too gruesome.  The general consensus was that they weren't gruesome at all and we awere all left wondering what kind of horror books she actually likes. 

Of the five of us who were there two, including me, had enjoyed the story, two really hadn't liked it and one was on the fence.  Those not keen felt that the story wandered rather aimlessly and hadn't been at a ll gripped by it.  To me it seemed that this had been deliberate as the central point seemed to be about the way that we re-invent ourselves, or find ourselves re-invented, over time.  Perhaps that is me reading my own issues into the book. 

There was remarkably little discussion about whether the central character was good, bad, or a victim of circumstance;  despite the fact that I tried to start said discussion at least twice.  It seemed that some of the other readers wanted to be told by the author rather than to have the discussion themselves.

March

This was book of the month for July, discussed at the beginning of August, so I'm punctual as usual.  Once again it is a book that I very much doubt I would have picked for myself but I throrughly enjoyed it.

Brooks has taken the character of Mr March, absent from pretty much the whole of 'Little Women' I understand, and writen the story of what he was up to while he was away from home.  Not having read 'Little Women' this did nothing to draw me in.  In fact, had I been nrowsing the bookshelves, it might well have put me off.  However I was drawn into the story of Mr March almost as soon as I opened the book.  From the outset he was an intriguing and likeable character leading an interesting life.  Starting out as an itinerant peddlar he becomes, over time, quite a wealthy young man.  His progressive ideals lead him into the anti-slavery movement and, eventually, into service during the American Civil War.

In the latter stages of the story some of his weaknesses start to become apparent.  At one stage I began to wonder if Brooks wasn't trying to make him into quite a pathetic man and this feeling was shared by several other members of the group.  However towards the very end he was shown again in a rather more positive light.  The book provoked quite a lot of discussion about attitudes to race and gender, in particularly some of the apparent inconsistencies in March's own attitudes.

I Write Like

I saw this on another blog that I follow and thought I would give it a try.  Having done so I then wondered whether I wanted to post the result.  I decided that, firstly, honestly is the best policy and , secondly, that I should maybe try to change my writing style.  I wonder if I would get the same result with a different piece of writing.

I write like
Dan Brown

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

So I tried another piece of writing and got -

I write like
H. P. Lovecraft

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

which I have to say I prefer!

Reading Group - The Jane Austen Book Club

 If this wasn't our book of the month I would certainly not have picked it up - and I would have been right!  The best thing that I can say about this is that it is short and the pages flick past quite quickly.  The story is less about Jane Austen than it is about the members of the club.  Each chapter is ostensibly about one months meeting and the book that they discuss.  However there is relatively little discussion of Austen's books and the focus is really upon whoever is hosting that month's meeting.

So far I can't say that I really care about any of the characters.  I think that in part that is because despite being halfway through the book I don't feel I really know that much about them.  It feels that there is the merest glimpse at one character in each chapter before he or she becomes peripheral again in the next.

I am also extremely irritated by the shifting viewpoint of the narrator.  Sometimes the story is narrated by a thrid person.  Then at other times the narrator says 'We' when talking about the book club members although it is far from clear which one of them is narrating.

I wonder what the other members of my book group will make of it.

For a change I'm updating this on the day of the book group meeting.  There wer just five of us today, and for the first time more men than women.  Most of the group were generally positive about the book but nobody was really mad keen on it.  There was a general feeling that it was more of a collection of character sketches than a novel as such.  There was also something of a feeling that this was very definitely a women's book.  The one significant male character was thought by most of us to be quite a weak character.  However I tended to disagree.  For me he was the only charcater who voluntarily moved beyond his own comfort zone and therefore I felt that he was a stronger and more confident character than the women.

As usual there was quite a lot of general discussion not related to the book itself.  In particular ther was some talk about how different book groups work and what kind of discussions they have. 

Bookcrossing Celebrity

Yesterday was the monthly Ipswich Bookcrossing Meet, second Saturday of the month 11 o'clock at Coffee Link.  I don't get along as often as I would like because of football commitments but yesterday I was there, and what's more I was the first to arrive. 

One of the regulars had invited a couple of new people along so I wasn't surprised when a woman asked if I was part of the Bookcrossing group.  Completely failing to notice the Kiwi accent or the cuddly Ballycumber I asked if she was one of the people Izzy had invited along.  No, she wasn't.  She was already a bookcrosser who happened to be in the area and had noticed we had a meet up this weekend.  Oh, well nice to meet you I said, and what's your screen name?  I'm Lytteltonwitch she answered.

Well that probably doesn't mean anything to you.  But Lytteltonwitch is something of a Bookcrossing celebrity.  We chatted a little, other people arrived and chatted.  I picked up four books depsite having far too many to read and only intending to pick up the two that I knew Izzy was taking for me.  The the Junior Uncruliars started to get bored and it was time to leave so I could go to work.  And I didn't manage to pick up one of Lytteltonwitch's books.  I suppose it's rather sad that I think it would have been cool to have had one of her books pass through my hands.  Oh well...

Reading Group - What Was Lost

This is quite a slim first novel by Catherine O'Flynn.  It was obviously critically quite acclaimed on release.  There was some discussion of the quoted book reviews when the books were handed out.  Obviously they were all intended to be positive but they elicited quite a mixed response from the group.  It almost seemed that they were reviews of different books.

I found it quite easy to read at first.  It seemed quite a straightforward story of Kate, a young girl struggling to cope with the fact that her mother had abandoned the family and then her father had died.  I had slightly mixed feelings as it seemed that the reader was invited to adopt a slightly smug superiority over the naive central character.

Then the book moved into a second section nineteen years after the events of the first section.  At first it wasn't clear that there was any connection between the two sections other than the geographical setting, or to be more precise the Green Oaks shopping centre.  Gradually it became clear that one of the new characters was the sister of Kate's friend from the first section.  Later it became apparent that Kate had mysteriously disappeared shortly after the events of the first section of the book.

The narrative of this second section was interspersed with italicised monologues from various users of the shopping centre.  For the most part these seems unconnected with the main story line and I found them rather irritating.

The mystery of Kate's disappearance is eventually resolved.  Without wishing to give anything away it was quite unexpected but nevertheless made sense.  I felt that the quotes plastered all over the book were rather over-hyped; perhaps not surprisingly.  As a first novel it wasn't bad, I'd read her again but I wouldn't say I'm a fan.

There were only five of us at the group this morning but nevertheless we had quite an interesting discussion.  One of the readers was thoroughly unimpressed.  The rest of us all found bits and pieces that we had enjoyed but also many things that were dissatisfying.  The general consesnus was 'not bad for a first novel'.

Geocaching

I have heard about geocaching a few time sin the past but never really looked into it.  I kind of knew that you needed a GPS system and I didn't have one so I thought no more.  Then, a couple of weeks ago, I read an article about it in a magazine and was motivated to check out the website - geocaching.com .

I was surprised to see that there were several caches quite close to home and it looked as if I might be able to find them even without a GPS.  So the following weekend the Uncruliar family set out to look for two local caches.  We didn't find either but we did find out that our SatNav has a facility to enter co-ordinates.

A week later I went out again with Uncruliar Junior Number 3 and the SatNav.  I left the other Uncruliars at home as I had the impression that they hadn't been impressed withour previous attempt.  This time we found the cache that we were looking for and UJN 3 was thrilled by the little items of treasure (actually little novelty nicknacks) in the cache.

On our return we told the rest of the family and they couldn't wait to try again.  We have been out again since then and found another cache.  Again there was much excitement about the treasure, especially when we discovered that we had found a geocoin.  Returning to the website we discovered that the geocoin had started its journey in Germany.  Despite being on a mission to Croatia it had actually been to Luxembourg, France and a very rural part of England.  Next week we're going to London so we'll be taking the geocoin with us in the hope that it can get from there back towards it's destination.

Reading Group - The Vanishing Act of Esme Lennox

This book, by Maggie O'Farrell, was the new choice for my library reading group.  I thought I would write about here while it is fresh in my mind.  Then I might write about it again, either here or in a new post after we have discussed it next month.

From the back cover blurb it appears that the story is set in two periods, Edinburgh in the 1930's and 'years later'.  I was expecting some kind of two act play.  I was wrong.  The story is told in chunks, for want of a better word - there are no chapters, each told from the point of view of Esme Lennox and Iris Lockhart, the two main characters, and in a few places from the point of view of Esme's senile sister Kitty.

The writing was very readable and both the historical and present day settings were well drawn.  Although billed as 'women's fiction' and very different from my usual reading choices I found that I read the whole book in less than a week.

At first I found some of Iris Lockhart's sections a little frustrating.  I couldn't see how they connected with the main story about Esme.  Towards the end it became obvious why they were relevant. 

The alternation between the different periods and points of view was extremely effective.  It meant that Esme's tragedy came to light quite slowly as we came to know her in her later days.  Much of the power of the book would have been lost had the story been told more chronologically.

The conclusion to the story was, to me, quite unexpected.  It aslo left me feeling slightly disatisfied.  I wanted to know what happened next.  It seemed that there were some major questions left unanswered about what direction would be taken by the lives of the two central characters.

SPOILER

Esme kills her sister Kitty.  I am still undecided about the motive.  Kitty was centrally involved in taking Esme's son from her when she was institutionalised as a young woman after being raped by a suitor at a New Year's Ball.  It is clear from Kitty's rambling recollections that she feels a great deal of remorse for the fact that Esme spent the whole of her adult life in an institution.  However Esme and Kitty are not able to talk about this due to Kitty's dementia, at least if they do talk about it the conversation is not recorded.  I imagine that we are supposed to believe that Esme murders her sister in an act of revenge.  This may well be the case but there is nothing that made it clear to me that Esme had such an intent when she asked to visit Kitty.  The other obvious possibility is that Esme believes she is relieving her sister of her suffering.  Again there is nothing that really points to this conclusion in the book.  Perhaps I just feel so sorry for Esme that I want to look for excuses for her.

I should imagine that the ending of the book will provoke quite a discussion at the reading group.  In fact I will be disapointed if it doesn't.

Group Discussion Notes

Well there were quite a few more people at the group this morning and that in itself made for a better discussion.  Not least because some of the people there today where both more talkative and better at expressing their opinions than on of the two women who had been present last month.

As expected there was much discussion of the reasons why Esme had killed her sister.  Also there was a wide ranging discussion of the motivations of the the other major characters.  Other people's views of Kitty were quite damning.  They saw her as being very selfish and manipulative which hadn't been my impression although I could understand their point of view.

There was also quite a discussion of several other books that people had read recently which was also quite interesting.

My notes on the discussion are somehwat vague as I had a late night and several beers yesterday.  Perhaps next month I will be able to report in more detail.

Reading Group - Northern Lights

My only previous experience of reading groups was listening to Radio 4's Book Club with James Naughtie.  As could be expected of a Radio4 programme this tends to be a relatively high-brow, and certainly in depth discussion, of the month's chosen book - and with the author involved in the discussion as well.

The reading group at my local library was a slightly different experience.

I've thought of joining reading groups before but have never gotten round to it for various reasons, one being that I wasn't sure I wanted to commit to reading a book chosen by somebody else that I might not be interested in.  I have to say that Book Crossing has widened my horizons somewhat and so, after discussing the group with a colleague, I decided to join. 

Looking forward to reading something new I was, I have to admit, slightly disappointed to find that this months book was one that I had already read.  Still it is a good book so it was no hardship top read it again.  As is always the way I noticed things this time that I didn't remember from my previous reading.  Perhaps because I didn't notice them then, or maybe simply because I had forgotten about them.

Northern Lights is a gripping adventure story set in a very believable alternate universe.  Although it is often described as being an older children's, or young adult's, book it contains many themes that I am sure would go over the head of the average teen.  It plays with questions of innocence and original sin, the tension between predestination and free choice, and relationships between adolescents and their parents.  I was looking forward to discussing these issues.

When I got to the group there were, beside myself, just three other people present - the librarian, and two women in their 50's and 70's respectively (I think).  The older woman was keen to tell us that she had found many of the unfamiliar names confusing and that she thought that there was quite a lot of violence and visciousness in the story.  In her opinion it wasn't at all suitable for children.  That seemede to be about the extent of her insight, although she did say she had enjoyed reading the book and would like to see the film.  The librarian was obviously a fan of the Dark Materials trilogy and talked quite a bit about how the themes were developed in the other two books.  The 'younger' woman joined in to a limited extent with some of the discussion.

Over all I have to say it was a pleasant enough way to while away half an hour or so.  It may be that there would be a better discussion with more people present.  The fact that today was Mother's Day may have prevented some people from attending.  I have come away with another book to read for next month - The Vanishing Act of Esme Lennox, by Maggie O'Farrell.  Certainly not a book that I would have picked up myself but it looks as if it might be interesting; more next month.

Fantasy Role-Playing

One of my adolescent hobbies was fantasy role-playing.  From the age of 12 to 18 I played Tunnles and Trolls and then later Runequest II with friends at school and at home.  Then I went to university, re-invented myself and stopped playing FRP.  I don't know why I re-invented myself in that way and to be honest I regret now that I did.  Still, regret is rather a waste of time so enough of that.

Despite giving up no FRP I think I had my Runequest gear with me all those years and still have it now.  A little while back I even discovered I still had my Tunnels and Trolls rulebook.

I tried to teach my sons how to play Tunnels and Trolls with limited success.  They understood the basics but rolling and adding up tons of combat dice took longer than I had the patience for.  In fact it reminded me in part of why I stopped playing T&T.

Then somebody gave us a Dungeons and Dragons box set thinking that the boys would like to play.  I had a little look at it but not terribly seriously.  I was obviously still enough of a T&T player to have a irrational dislike of D&D, despite knowing virtually nothing about it.  So the Red Box sat on a shelf for a couple of months.

Then my wife brought home a different D&D box set that she had picked up in a charity shop for £2.  This one had little card figures and a map to move the figures round on.  Somebody seemed to be telling me that I really should give D&D a try.  And as the somebody was my wife and son I could hardly say no. 

So I read through the rules and got ready to DM my first D&D adventure.  At the weekend my son had two of his friends round and we played part of the introductory adventure form the black box.  To start with they were a bit silly, but then they are 10, but they soon got into the spirit of the adventure and quickly learned how to do basic combat. 

My 6 year old daughter was hanging around at the time and wanted to join in but the boys weren't keen so she just watched.  Later on I was browsing on the internet and discovering that there is a thriving OD&D community with loads of stuff available to download for free, even more so than T&T.  As I was flicking through some adventures I found one that somebody had written to get his 6 year old daughter started.  So obviously I helped Uncruliar Junior 3 to roll up a character and we got stuck in.  Later she told her mum that she had enjoyed it 'but it was bit spooky' - result.  Looks like I might be playing D&D for a while.

Lacking Perserverance

As I said in my last post I've been feeling lately that I have often presented a public face that is at odds with my reality.  The more I have been thinking about the more I realise that this in many ways isn't a new thing.

I suspect that I often find mysaelf doing things simply to fill time when I've got no real idea what I really want to be doing with myself.  Some of my time fillers are 'worthy' such as running, learning to play the guitar, others are simply indulgent such as playing computer games.  The list of things that I have done for a while is enormous, as is the list of things that I sometimes say I would like to do but never get round to.

Sometimes I worry that I create the reality of not knowing what I want to do simply by being down on myself about doing things for a while and then giving them up.  It seems to me that other peole have a much clearer idea of what they want to do with themselves but maybe that is just a matter of the perspective from which I am looking at them and myself. 

I guess I need to get to know myself better and work out what I want to do enought to actually make it happen.  Is it sad that I don't know myself at the age of 39 or is that 'normal'?

Thoughts prompted by Shoeless - Taking Responsibility

One of the things I do is run.  As a runner I use a website called Fetch.  Mainly I use it to log my training runs, but I also read the odd blog or forum there too.  One blogger I particularly like goes by the name 'shoeless' and she recently posted something that chimed in with me.  I hope she doesn't mind me quoting her here -

"Now, as the dust settles, it's time to face the fact that I have lots of crap to sort out in my head. It comes, though, with the strangely comforting knowledge that the only one who's standing in my way is me."

Now I've read basically the same message many times before.  I've even nodded my head and agreed and made all sorts of resolutions about sorting out the crap in my head and improving my life.  Frankly though I've never got very far with it.  I suppose that goes to show how good I am at standing my own way.  Nice to know I'm good at something!


At the moment there are two issues that I am doing battle with.  One is my weight, the other is getting a job.  Although actually the more I think about it both those battles are part of the same war.  At stake is the fundamental question "Do I do what I say I'm going to do?"


I suppose that has always been the question although it has manifested itself in different ways over the years.  Deep inside myself I don't feel that I am the same person that I am perceived to be or that I am projecting.


Superficially I am confident and sociable, I believe that most people I know would say I am confident and outgoing.  However I am pathetically lacking in confidence, I feel socially very isolated.  I am in extremely infrequent contact with 'friends' I used to work with and 'friends' I grew up with.  Those 'friends' I do see more often are the people that I morris dance with, or play football with.  I see them when I morris dance or play football.  I don't see them between times and sometimes they feel more like acquantances than friends.  In fact I feel that I've always had lots of acquaintances and not so many friends.


For 15 years I have been a teacher.  It's interesting that we say I am a teacher (insert job title here) rather than I teach.  I have always tried to project an image of being a good teacher, but I have always had self doubt in that image.  Even so I have projected the image well enought to become a Leading Maths Teacher, a Deputy Headteacher and a candidate for Headteacher interviews.  For the last year and a half I have been an ex-teacher, or an unemployed teacher, or a supply teacher. 


I am often tempted to blame my failure to become a Headteacher on 'politics' within the schools and Local Authority I have worked in.  Perhaps though I need to accept that I wasn't always as effective as I should have been as a Teacher or a Deputy Headteacher.  In that case I should be sorting out some of the crap in my head that stops me being as effective as I could be professionally.  Of course I don't have a full time job to be effective in at the moment but there are plenty of things that I should be doing. 


And I'm writing this blog post instead!


But in my defence this blog is about me examining my life and my problems, and starting to sort them out.  My last post in January was about reflecting on the things I have done and things I want to do.  Perhaps my next post should be to set myself some targets for the things that I need to do. and then I can start taking repsonisbility for making sure that I actually do the right things.

Homebrewing

I've been dabbling with homebrewed beer and wine since I was 18.  Doing a bit for a while, then nothing for a while longer.  During my last serious spate of self-supporting I did loads of country wines.  At the time a friend had recommended using tea-tree oil to setrilise equipment instead of campden tablets or a sterilising solution.  Some of them turned out really very well but a lot of them were barely, if at all, palatable.

For my birthday last November I was given a book on 'Low Cost Living' which included a section on home-brewing.  The author recommended starting with kits and getting to grips with the basics before becomming more adventurous.  Well it goes against the grain a bit but given some of my less successful home-brews I thought perhaps I would follow his advice.

So this morning I started off a Youngs red wine kit.  Progress reports to follow.

After three days I topped up the demi-john.  It is fermenting well now.

2010 Reading List

1. Nation, Terry Pratchett - a Christmas present, I actually started reading it on Boxing Day I think but didn't finish it until just after the New Year so I'm counting it.  A fantastic book.  Many themes that are common to Pratchett's more Discworld novels.  There is even a kind of personification of Death, but this one speaks in italics rather than BLOCK CAPITALS and is not very pleasant.
2. Super-Cannes, J.G.Ballard - found at the Ipswich Bookcrossing meet.Journal here 
3. You'll Win Nothing with Kids: Fathers, Sons and Football, Jim White - found in a charity basket for me by Mrs Uncruliar. Journal here
4. No Time For Goodbye, Linwood Barclay - found in a charity basket for me by Mrs Uncruliar. Journal Here
5. Diamonds are Forever, Ian Fleming - picked up at Coffee Link OBCZ. Journal Here
6. Yes, Minister, Jonathan Lynn and  Antony Jay - bought from library sale shelf. Journal Here
7. From Russia With Love, Ian Fleming - brought home from a monthly meet-up at Coffee Link OBCZ. Journal Here
8. Sword Song (Alfred the Great 4), Bernard Cornwell - bought from the library sale shelf. Journal Here
9. The Taking, by Dean Koontz - bought from the library sale shelf. Journal Here
10. Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, Paul Torday - bought from the library sale shelf. Journal Here
11. The Blade Itself: Book One Of The First Law, Joe Abercrombie - brought home from a monthly meet-up at Coffee Link OBCZ. Journal Here
12. Northern Lights, Philip Pullman - this was chosen as the monthly title for a book group that I have just joined.  I have read the whole series before and enjoyed them but wouldn't have read this again right now were it not for the book group.  It is a good adventure and sets up some interesting philosphical questions about the nature of sin and religion if you are interested in getting into something deeper.  These questions are more fully developed in the later books, especially the last.  The book group meets again next weekend so another, separate, post might be in order then. Reading Group Post
13. Taking Charge of Anger,   - I haven't finished reading this yet but I'm working through it and it will be the subject of a separate set of posts.
14. Up and Down in the Dales, by Gervase Phinn - picked up at the Coffe Link OCBZ.  Journal Here
15. Cyber-killers, ed. Ric Alexander - picked up at the Coffe Link OCBZ. Journal Here
16. The Vanishing Act of Esme Lennox, Maggie O'Farrell - book of the month at my local library Reading Group
17. Don't Cry For Me Aberystwyth, Malcolm Pryce - received as an act of Random Book Crossing Kindness (RABCK) from AgnesXNitt. Journal Here
18. Be Your Own Life Coach: How to Take Control of Your Life and Achieve Your Wildest Dreams, Fiona Harrold  - Found in a charity shop by Mrs Uncruliar
19. True History of the Kelly Gang, Peter Carey  - picked up at the Coffee Link OBCZ.  Journal Here
20. What Was Lost, Catherine O'Flynn - book of the month at my local library Reading Group
21. Brisingr, Christopher Paolini - Can't remember now where I picked this up, must have been a bargain somewhere which I thought I would pick up to complete the trilogy.  Now that I've read it I find that the trilogy has become a quartet.  When I read Eragon I thought it was ok but extremely derivative.  To give credit where it is due Paolini does seem to have found his voice rather better over time.  I will read the next book but I am more interested to see what he does after that.  I hope he abandons Alagaesia for a setting that is more truly his own.
22. Octopussy and 007 in New York, Ian Fleming - handed to me at the monthly bookcrossing meet. Journal Here
23. Alexandria, Lindsey Davis - book of the month at my local library Reading Group.  I usually journal these separately but in this case I won't as I have got so behind with my blogging.  I have to say that I did enjoy it although it was rather anachronistic in places.  Unfortunately I missed the discussion.
24. The Jane Austen Book Club,  Karen Joy Fowler - book of the month at my local library Reading Group.
25. The Eyre Affair, Jasper Fforde - handed to me at the monthly bookcrossing meet.  Journal Here
26. Lost in a Good Book, Jasper Fforde - handed to me at the monthly bookcrossing meet.  Journal Here
27. Beyond the Deepwoods, Paul Stewart and Chris Riddell - Picked up for me by Mrs Uncruliar at a charity shop or car boot sale or somesuch.  This is the first book in a trilogy introducing a new major character, Twig. I have read other books in The Edge Chronicles and enjoyed them so I am sorry to say that I was rather disappointed by this.  For much of the book there didn't seem to be any real plot, simply a series of unconnected encounters between Twig and various threats.  To a certain extent the connections were made towards the end of the book but even so I was left feeling rather disappointed.  Hopefully the other two books in the trilogy are somehwat better as they are sitting on my bookshelf at the moment.
28. March, Geraldine Brooks - book of the month at the local library Reading Group.
29. Adventures on the High Teas, Stuart Maconie - picked up at a monthly Bookcrossing met a while back. Journal Here
30. River God, Wilbur Smith - I was fully prepared not to like this for a variety of reasons, but I did.  In fact not only did I enjoy reading it but I was close to tears at least twice towards the end.  I will definitely look out for more Wilbur Smith books in future.
31. The Resurrectionist, James Bradley - book of the month at the local library Reading Group.
32. Inverting the Pyramid, The History of Football Tactics, Jonathan Wilson - The youth football team that I manage gave me some book vouchers as an end of season present and this was one of the books I treated myself to.  Quite an interesting read on a subject that I knew less about than I had thought to begin with.
33. The Suspicions of Mr. Whicher: or the Murder at Road Hill House, Kate Summerscale - found in a charity bin in town. Journal Here
34. Chasing Darkness, Robert Crais - came to me in a Freecycle book bag.  Journal Here
35. The Murders In The Rue Morgue, Edgar Allan Poe - picked up from the library's withdrawn book shelf. Journal Here
36. Devil May Care, Sebastian Faulks - book of the month at the local library Reading Group.
37. The Lost Symbol, Dan Brown - came to me in a Freecycle book bag. Journal Here
38. The Various Flavours of Coffee, Anthony Capella - book of the month at the local library Reading Group.
39. Greenmantle, John Buchan - picked up from the library's withdrawn book shelf. Journal Here
40. The Book Thief,  Markus Zusak - picked up from the library's withdrawn book shelf.  Journal Here
41. Otherland: City of Golden Shadow Bk. 1,  Tad Williams Journal Here
42. Unseen Academicals, Terry Pratchett - a birthday present from one of the little Uncruliars, and a jolly good one at that.
43. The Palace of Strange Girls, Sallie Day - book of the month at the local library Reading Group.   Definitely not one I would have chosen for myself but I really enjoyed this.  Surprisingly I found that the story was, to me, more about the father than his wife or daughters.
44. Hero of Rome,  Douglas Jackson - lent to me by my Dad.  A good book although I couldn't decide whose side I was on.
45. The Jewel That Was Ours, Colin Dexter - picked up from the library's withdrawn book shelf. Journal Here
46. Nocturnes: Five Stories of Music and Nightfall, Kazuo Ishiguro - book of the month at the local library Reading Group.  I enjoyed reading this, whizzed through it in fact.  However, as I have often felt with short stories in the past, I was left feeling that the stories were unfinished - too many questions seemed to be left unanswered for my liking.

Books - my constant companions.

Lately I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the things that I've done in the past and then let go, or of the things that I kind of want to do but am not getting round to.  Thinking that way isn't healthy for me as it tends to make me feel bad about myself.  In fact it contributes to my negative self-talk.  But never mind about that.

I think my earliest memories of reading are from pre-school.  I'm sure my parents bought me Janet and John or Peter and Jane.  I don't know how I got on with them but I don't habe any negative memories from that time.  On the other hand I do have decidely negative memories of reading during my first year or two at school.  At the age of about 7 or 8 though something clicked and my reading took off.  Ever since I have constantly had a book on the go, often there has been more than one.

So I've decided that I'm going to keep a log of all the books I read this year.   I got the idea from some of my fellow Bookcrossers.

Where I've been and where am I going?

Right now isn't a good time in my life.  For the last 18 months I've been working part time and on short term contracts.  Sometimes that doesn't bother me.  No job stress is quite enjoyable even after all this time even if no money stress isn't great.  So far we've been getting by but it is a continual worry.  Before being made redundant I thought I was on the verge of becoming a headteacher which is something I've been aspriring to for a large chunk of my adult life.  But I can't pretend that my career was an uninterrupted ascent.  In fact the more I think about my life the more confused I become about what I want from it and how I got here.

Like most small boys I was going to be a footballer to start with.  At some time around the age of 9 or 10 I read a book with a central character who was a journalist.  I can't remember the first thing about the book but for a while I was going to be a journalist.  Somwehere along the line I decided I wanted to be a solicitor.  I can't remember why now.  At about 16 or 17 I spent a short time doing some work experience in a solicitors office and ended up reading Law and Politics.  I was going to be a crusading solicitor working for deserving cases on legal aid.  As it turned out I got a 2:2 and found that I didn't enjoy my legal studies as much as I had thought I would. 

After a year waiting tables I trained as a teacher.  I had done voluntary work in schools since the age of 15 and had also worked on playschemes while at university.  The PGCE was hard work but I enjoyed it and so my career as a primary school teacher began.  To be honest I found it hard to keep up with paperwork throughout my career.  The introduction of the National Literacy Strategy in 1997 and the National Numeracy Strategy a year later just made the paperwork even worse.  When Uncruliar Junior No 1 was born in 1998 I wanted to get out of teaching.  In fact I was so demoralised that I decided I wanted him to be home educated just to make sure that he didn't have to suffer a teacher as jaded as I was.  Despite all that I can remember many enjoyable moments from those years and I know that some of former pupils have fond memories of me as a teacher.  But I often felt that I was failing as a teacher.

In 2000 I had the opportunity to take up a secondment for nine months.  I thoroughly enjoyed it and could have turned my back on the classroom for good then.  The salary that was on offer follwing the secondment though was nowehere near what I could earn as a teacher and so I ended up returning to classroom teaching.  There followed three good years that ended up in my appointment as deputy headteacher in another school.  On the whole I thought I did quite well, especially when I had to act up as Headteacher, but there were still times when I felt overwhelmed.  My last year was a nightmare as a new headteacher came in who clearly didn't want me around and I went into a really negative spiral.

I've had some good moments over the last 18 months, both at work and at home - especially running a marathon for the first time.  But on the whole I feel quite negative.  Whenever things don't go as I'm hoping, and that seems a frequent ocurence, I feel a complete failure.  There are things that I think I want to do but I'm not making them happen.  There are things which I've got to do and it always seems like really hard work.  As for work I feel that it is becoming increasingly difficult to get even an interview and sometimes that is for jobs at a lower level than I've previously been applying.  Perhaps I should be looking for a career change but I've got no idea what I want to do.

I guess the first thing I need to do is to start setting myself small targets and achieving them.  Like I did with the marathon training.  And start focussing on positive thinking.

Who am I writing for?

December was a busy month.  Lots of work to start with then a busy holiday period, hence no blog posts.  I did manage a bit of running until the snow put a stop to that but I should be back on the roads again soon.  However I have been thinking about this blog a little.  I have been tempted to let people know about it as I thought that I might like some feedback - after all that is what blogging is supposed to be about.

If I tell people about the blog though it will cease to be anonymous and I think that anonymity could be useful.  I've been thinking a little about my next 'proper' post and I've got things I want to write about that I don't necessarily want my family to read.  At least I certainly don't want to make a point of saying look at this, this is what I think.  Sometimes the truth, or at least another persons honestly meant perspective, can be hurtful.

So for the time being this is more an online journal than a blog in the 'traditional' sense of the word.  (Can there be a traditional sense of a word that has only been in popular usage for about ten years?)  It is my thinking space.  If anyone has anything to say about it then they are welcome, but if not then I'm fine by myself.