Who's in Control?

I've been thinking a lot recently about who is in control of my life.  My thoughts have led me to think back about how things were in the past when there were some aspects of my life that I was much happier about.

About 7 or 8 years ago I was in a middle management position at work, enjoying my work reasonably well although even then most of my satisfaction came from my dabbling in living the 'Good Life'.  I was often busy in the evening or at the weekend making jams, pickles, chutneys and country wines.  I had a few hens in the back garden and I was learning to play the guitar and the concertina.  I was a little disappointed that I had had to give up my allotment due to spending 1 1/2 hours a day driving to and from work, Saturday mornings being taken up by my son's football and the inevitable clash between report writing and manic weed growth in May and June.  However I had to admit that I did quite well on the work life balance front. 

Spin forward a couple of years and I had been promoted to a more senior position.  Even so I was still busy enjoying myself in the kitchen on a regular basis.  To a certain extent the jam and wine making tailed off when I decided that I really wanted to lose weight and that those things perhaps weren't helping.  However I was still happily in control of my life.  I was especially happy as I lost 5 stone over about 18 months.

Then things started to go wrong.  I had been 'acting up' to a more senior position for a while but had had to step back to my previous role when another person was appointed to the more senior position on a permanent basis.  Unfortunately I didn't enjoy stepping back into my old role.  That's a long story that I don't want to go into here.  I applied for a few promotions in different schools but was unsuccessful.  Then I was made redundant.  I started working part time for the slimming organisation with which I had lost my weight.  At first it went really well and I was successful, both in terms of helping people to lose weight and in terms of earning money.  Then a full time management position came up in the organisation, I applied for it but was turned down.  Needing to earn money full time I took a temporary position in a school, but at a lower grade than I had been working at before.  I applied for more senior management positions in different schools but again I was unsuccesful.  Then I started to put on weight again.  All this has happened pver the last 18 months and in that time I have also done next to nothing as far as music or self supporting is concerned.

Looking back I can see that when I felt in control of my life professionally I was able to enjoy my life outside of work to the full.  Over the last 18 months my reaction to feeling out of control of my life has been to stamp my foot, metaphorically, like a spoilt kid and say if I can't have my way then I'm going to blow everything away.  I have sulked on the sofa in front of the TV.  I have behaved in a completely self destructive way.  Now that I have faced up to this perhaps I can begin to put it behind me.  I have been back to the slimming group and lost a couple of pounds.  It's not much but it is a start.  I'm going to start planning some running time and get back into shape.  Hopefully my posts over the coming months will show that I have turned a corner.